***FOR GENERAL RELEASE***FOR GENERAL RELEASE***
FROM: Mayor Ivan Cantwell, East Sherman, Penn.
As you know, our local paper, the East Sherman Sentinel, ran an expose reporting that I spent nearly $100,000 from the city’s discretionary budget on Internet pornography. This included videos of obese women having an East Egg hunt, a sexy female Hitler yelling in what sounds like but is not actually Portuguese, and a woman slapping a dog. That last video may not have been intended as pornography, but can be regarded as such, given the context.
As much as I would like to deny these allegations, the evidence is abundant, and it is damning.
These revelations have been a great source of pain to my family, and have made the business of governance well nigh impossible. So after spending these last few troubled days examining what matters to me the most, I have decided to forsake public office as mayor — and my family — for the porn.
I entered politics inspired by leaders such as Martin Luther King — whose vision is now part of the very fabric of justice. I began a family, inspired by my grandparents, who raised four sons and three daughters, and lived to see them all thrive in this new, adopted country.
I was inspired to look at porn after seeing a doctored photo of Jane Kaczmarek doing something that need not be recounted here.
And what must be admitted is that, no matter how precious my family values, no matter how passionate my beliefs in the founding principles of this country, filthy pictures are a bigger part of my actual day-to-day life than anything John Adams or Thomas Jefferson ever did. Despite extensive legal training, I have never successfully masturbated to the Fourth Amendment. And I have tried.
So if I am forced to choose between my higher aspirations for society, my deep concern for my family, and videos of women asphyxiating each other with cake, I am going to have to go with the cake. For although at times I may despair of our nation, and occasionally I bend from the responsibilities of family and home, I will literally never get tired of strangle-porn.
I know that my family is very upset with my decision. But I believe that, with enough time — and enough porn — I will be able to block that out. And although I feel the disappointment of voters in this city, I do not feel it as keenly — nor think about it as often — as the stuff going on right now on You Porn’s “Amateur” page.
I can only imagine what I am missing even at this moment — and frankly, I am anxious to get back to it.