With these Success Habits, you can be seven people. Or one person. With seven habits. Written and produced by Barry Lank. Voices: Barry Lank, Jeff Hendrick
Welcome, everyone. Our CEO, Mr. Pennshaw, is not here to make today’s morning announcements. If he were here, the announcements would start out differently, since my first announcement is that Mr. Pennshaw is not here.
Also, while Mr. Pennshaw is out, no one is to go into his office or look at his files. There is no particular reason for this. Nothing is wrong. Mr. Pennshaw would be here himself to tell you nothing is wrong, but he is very busy buying groceries. Depending how things go with the Securities and Exchange Commission, he may be buying groceries for seven to 14 years.
In any case, the governing board of GlobCorp is taking this opportunity to say we will hold a surprise birthday party for Mr. Pennshaw. Attendance is mandatory.
My name is Mr. Roth. Many of you do not know me because, strictly speaking, my job has no assigned functions. But I rarely concern myself with matters outside this company. I did once try to concern myself with matters outside this company. But the individual with whom I concerned myself concluded she had no feelings in particular about me. So I am now dedicated to this surprise party – or, as we are calling it on our planning graph, the surprise party project.
Employees must adhere to the following ground rules during Mr. Pennshaw’s party:
1. Like any other employee, Mr. Pennshaw will receive a standard-issue cake with brown icing on top, neutral beige icing in the middle and corporate-issue gray ice cream.
2. We will sing one round of “Happy Birthday to You” as it was written and copyrighted. We will not add the tag “How old are you,” and we will not eat the cake, as the planning committee designed it around our corporate image, and neglected to specify that it be edible.
3. No one is to mention Mr. Pennshaw’s son Tom. However, if Mr. Pennshaw calls you Tom, the only acceptable answer is “Yes, Dad.”
4. The subject of Mr. Pennshaw’s divorce may be avoided if every employee takes care act as if marriage does not exist for most people.
5. No one is to ask Mr. Pennshaw whether he ever missed telling someone he loved them and, once it was too late, he suffered such despair that he had to go on leave. This question has been asked and answered.
6. Any gifts for Mr. Pennshaw must come from the following selection:
- Coffee mugs bearing the inscription “World’s greatest CEO.”
- Gift subscriptions for magazines that Mr. Pennshaw already receives.
- A humorously outlandish necktie that makes Mr. Pennshaw smile in that way that makes us wish he wouldn’t smile at all.
- A “friend” or “escort.”
That is all.
Follow this helpful guide to avoid the top seven most common mistakes people make in their resumes.
AVOID MENTIONING PRISON
It’s all well and good if, under the heading of “education,” you mention the GED you attained during lock-up. But be cautious when describing job abilities.
Good way to put it on your resume: “Experienced with laundry equipment, but also able to look up case law. Can sleep anywhere.”
Bad way to put it on your resume: “If you have a problem with someone, I can take care of this person by using nothing but a plastic spoon and some hair gel. Then you’re mine until we get out.”
EDIT LIST OF ABILITIES
Do not throw in just anything you can think of in order to make yourself look like more of a Renaissance man.
Bad: “Can speak fluent Spanish. Wrote my own wedding vows. Can fold my own tongue lengthwise and widthwise. Am able to abandon children without ever looking back.”
When describing the duties of previous jobs, try not to stray from the topic.
Bad: “As project manager for CPC Middleware, I set the budget and oversaw operations for projects that connected application software to basic operating systems. My wife makes the most remarkable chili. I’m going to be 34 next month, yet my parents are still taller than I am. Can I have a nickel?”
This is neither the time nor the place for your personal baggage. For example, which two items should be excluded from this job history?
1985 to 1994, engineer, Dempco Company.
1987 to 1993, participated in what I believed was a loving and monogamous marriage.
1993 to present, unable to feel anything, not even rage.
1994 to present, senior engineer, Lockheed.”
When listing job skills in a series of bullet points, do not get drunk in the middle of it. For instance:
* Experienced with Excel spreadsheets.
* Have completed nine hours of management training.
* Can beat up everyone I’ve met so far at your company.
* You know who was great? Adam West. The guy who played Batman on TV? He was great.
* I’m not a bad person. I’m just weak. And I have these terrible, terrible moods.
* Will you come home with me? How about your friend?
When listing former employers as references, refer to them only by their first and last name rather than by the nickname they didn’t know about. Viz:
Cousin It — extension #106.
Executive Vice President of Unmerited Arrogance — extension #130.
The Breather — extension #125.
EDIT YOUR JOB HISTORY
You don’t necessarily have to list jobs from longer ago than 10 years back. This is fortunate because too many different kinds of jobs makes employers think you may lack focus — and not everyone discovers their true calling right after college.
In this following resume sample, see if you can tell when the applicant should have stopped writing and left well enough alone:
2009 to present: Senior graphic designer at Concepts Unlimited, Newark.
2007 to 2009: Junior graphic designer, Special Moments Design, Edison.
2004 to 2006: Roadie for tic-tack-toe-playing chicken, Atlantic City and various locations.
2002: Accident victim for insurance money (freelance).
1997 to 2002: Member of Menudo.
Welcome to The Barry Lank Financial Management Newsletter, your source for reliable stock tips. This newsletter was founded last Thursday when I, Barry Lank — the founder and visionary behind The Barry Lank Financial Management Newsletter — bought stationery with believable-looking letterhead.
Many people ask what qualifies me to give advice about money. Many people. Many, many, many, many, many people ask me this, especially after they’ve seen how I live.
But whenever they ask that, I pull my bathrobe a little tighter around me, sit back on my milk crates continue playing “Call of Duty.” You see, I’m an optimist. And the reason I’m an optimist is that I don’t have any recent newspapers in my house. The most current financial journal I’ve read is from 1998, and it says we’ve discovered something called “The New Economy.” The stock market will never go down again. It can’t. Isn’t that great?
So let me start by answering a few questions from my readers:
“What is `buying on margin,’ and how can I get involved with it?”
Let me answer that question by asking you another: Why don’t you just burn all your money and hold some kind of solemn ceremony while you dump the ashes in the Pacific.
“What are bonds?”
I could explain what those are. So could a lot of people. But I’ve got to tell you, bonds are … they’re something a girl would buy. A “chick” investment. Don’t get me wrong. They’re profitable. But if you’re a guy, do you really want a girl’s portfolio? That’s all I’m saying.
“What are stocks?”
When I own a stock, I actually own a little piece of a company. What happens when a company makes a profit? Why, I make a profit. What happens when a company does not make a profit? Holy cow, I could lose everything! Where’s my broker?!
“What is … that?”
I save money by bottling my own soda out of what people leave in their glasses at restaurants and such. Want some?
– – – – – – –
In conclusion there are only three sure-fire ways to preserve or increase your money:
1. Hide all your money in a broken dishwasher and post yourself on your front porch with a shotgun loaded with rock salt.
2. Find an active financial market. The surest way to find an active market right now is put your money in a briefcase and run around and around the earth so fast that you go back in time.
3. Based primarily on my failure to learn anything new about money since high school — your best strategy is to buy a really bitchin’ stereo.
Job without description, experience a must
New business in a start-up industry seeking job that has not yet been created. Must have at least three years experience in this undefined industry. Bring employer references from similar businesses, of which there are none.
Seeking manager with low self-esteem to oversee problem employees no one else will fire. Room for advancement for any candidates who are NOT in charge of problem employees whom no one else will fire. Interview with Chief Financial Officer’s sad, anxious nephew.
Seeking high reliable administrative aide to follow contradictory orders in a failing company with no clear mission statement. Benefits include quitting.
Though this job is telemarketing, you will be able to put on your resume that you have experience with multi-line phones, databases and customer service. Jobs that require such skill include more telemarketing.
Some people say that a good salesman can sell ice cubes to Eskimos. We say a good salesman can sell condominium units without warning buyers about radon gas. Could you be ready for that challenge?
Available: The sort of job that ruins your back. Requirements: Must have at least three years’ experience getting your back ruined.
Need domestic help to clean house for families who don’t have the good sense to pick up after themselves. Duties include vacuuming rugs that would have taken them, what, five minutes to clean themselves? Washing their dishes when they have an automatic dishwasher sitting right there, for godsakes. And finding curiously stiff underwear in the teenagers’ rooms. Honestly, what is it with these people?
We need people to drive trucks to and from our warehouse. Must not be afraid of other drivers who will drive the same routes you do, thinking they are still employed by our company.