The following places either pose a threat to the United States or require our help so desperately that we may have to intervene on their behalf:
This country is too cold to support life, and has been uninhabitable for millions of years. This must stop. The problem of Antarctica no longer should be left for future generations to solve.
This traditionally unstable region suffers a high infant mortality rate, about the same expectancy as China, Ecuador, North Korea and Lebanon, a low high school graduation rate and a high share of minors living below the poverty line. This is the classic scenario for breeding terrorist cells.
Lat. 30 South, Long. 150 West
Several questions remain unanswered about this area. What’s there? Well, some desolate patch of the Pacific Ocean — so admittedly, that question does have an answer. But who lives there? At just this moment, no one. But do they have weapons? Well, if no one is there, then they probably don’t have weapons. Alright, but tell me this: These people who are not there and have no weapons in this area where nothing exists, why won’t they cooperate?
Shelly’s Hi-Top Tavern
Since new owners took over this bar last year, the drinks don’t even get you buzzed. Yet the prices have gone up. Since this extra income obviously does not go toward alcohol, we can only assume it is being funneled to one of the many groups that want to topple the American system. Terrorists, perhaps? Nineteenth-century anarchists? Fourteenth-century heretics? Whoever this shadow group may be, we must show that the United States approaches problems with a firm resolve, that we will not bow, that we will not break and that we as a great nation are not fooled by a Long Island ice tea that’s mostly Coke.
The Playboy Mansion
National security officials do not know what exactly goes on there, since our nation’s leaders are too cheap to pay $9.99 for two videos in which viewers “Party with the hottest celebrities, the sexiest Playmates, and even Hef himself.”
However, having a party-like relationship with creatures on a TV screen smacks of cultism and witchcraft. And judging from the pictures in this ad, women are unable to escape from the mansion, since someone has stolen their clothing and left them nothing to wear except sandwich wrap and tiny, edible slacks.
Security officials are very interested in this wholesale shopping club, though pretty much for the same reason the rest of us are: They keep thinking how funny it would be to buy that 30-pound box of Snickers bars. United Nations officials have not been able to examine these facilities, however, because none of the inspectors will buy a membership card — figuring it’s silly to spend $35 to join when all they’re going to buy is a bag of frozen green burritos and maybe some tires.