From: Office of the Principal – West Jadico Senior High School
As we continue cutting the budget here at West Jadico, some of you students may have noticed the changes, such as when we brought in prisoners to teach Home Ec.
Unfortunately, with more government cuts, that trend will continue this year. So we must figure out how to adapt, without any more incidents such as when one of the new Home Ec teachers showed students how to turn celery sticks into a rough but effective brandy.
With the following proposed solutions, I believe that students can learn as much in the classroom as they did before, or at least spend about the same amount of time there.
Students who study their algebra books closely may notice that many more numbers than usual have been replaced by X and Y. Books that frequently use X and Y as variables cost less than books with real numbers because variables have no assigned value.
Using an interdisciplinary approach that employs psychology, statistical analysis and several pie charts, Mr. Eagerton will tell students why he is alone.
We will have to share textbooks with three other townships. Goldthwaite Middle School in Goldthwaite Township will get the first four chapters of the books, which means they will learn the present tense. Brian Hill Senior High in central Olenyn will get chapters five through nine, in which they will learn past and future tenses.
That just leaves us with chapter 10, the subjunctive mode. So while children in nearby towns will be able to speak of things as they are or were, students here will learn to talk about how things would be if everything were different.
We cannot afford any pictures of plants, invertebrates or lower mammals. The only living things students will study this year are super models.
Students will gather at the janitor’s room and play with matches.
Last year, we had to make do without vowels, leaving students to slog through F. Sctt Ftzgrld’s Th Grt Gtsby and J.D. Slngr’s Ctchr n th Ry. This year, we get our vowels back, but will only read book jackets. Students will be expected to read and identify at least three adjectives describing John Grisham’s “The Pelican Brief.”
Students may have noted a gradual decay in our history classes last year when our survey course “History of Western Civilization” had to be renamed “History of Every Second or Third Day of Western Civilization.” This year, all we can offer is “History of Every Second Friday.” As a result, the course will have to skip Dec. 7, 1941, which fell on a Sunday. Our textbook jumps right from Dec. 5, 1941, when the Football Writers Association of America was organized, straight to Dec. 19, when a U.S. submarine had already sunk a Japanese ship and the federal government created the Office of Censorship to control war information. Students will have to infer for themselves what the problem was.
Also, the textbook doesn’t go past 1962. History in this class will end with the TV premiere of The Beverly Hillbillies, which indeed is when history ended in real life.
At age 18, students will be shown the exits.